The American Hero

s is getting ridiculous! I've had to fight off five different hero parties so far this month!

Each and every one of them has some spiky-haired weirdo screaming gibberish with scantily-clad women supporting him, saying things like, "You can do it through the power of friendship!" or "You are the chosen one!" or "It's not like I like you or anything, Baka!" What does Baka even mean?

No matter the case, these adventuring parties have begun to wreak havoc on the demonic economy. In a few years, we have gone from a thriving metropolis that could harbor any number of refugees to the brink of collapse, ourselves. If this get any worse, I might have to consider small cuts to social services until we could get back on our feet. We pride ourselves on our health care and free collegiate education, but maybe cuts to infrastructure would be possible?

No. I could solve this without stripping basic rights from my citizens.

The real question was how humanity kept generating absurdly strong individuals at such a high rate. What were they doing?

After sending a minion to investigate, I found that these "heroes" were actually being summoned from some strange land known as "Japan." The minion had also scrawled down the summoning circle they used, so I figured it was time to fight fire with fire! We would begin summoning adventurers of our own!

One evening, I closed all the doors to my chambers and lit a few candles before starting to draw the circle prescribed by my minion. The only problem was that they had terrible handwriting, and I couldn't quite figure out the specific placement of certain strokes. I am almost certain I got some of the lines crossed, but after a few hours of tinkering, I was happy enough with the result to give it a try.

I took a deep breath and prayed to the dark gods that it would work before sending magical energy into the circle. Soon, the outer ring began to glow a brilliant blue before red and white streaks surged towards the center. I took a step back as the pattern began to hum and the castle walls began to vibrate.

I was shaken to the core and feared I had made a grave mistake, but after a few seconds of doubt, a huge plume of smoke erupted from the center of the circle with a loud explosion that sounded almost like the cry of an eagle. It was so powerful that it burst open the doors to the chamber and extinguished all the candles. I began coughing and waving the smoke away from my face, thinking that my experiment had failed.

However, as I looked closer, I began to make out the silhouette of a young man, clad in blue pants and a white shirt with the sleeves ripped off -- clearly a display of strength, even though his arms were not particularly muscular. Atop his head was a red cap with a four word phrase in his native tongue, and his face was covered in a scraggly beard.

"Hello?" I called.

The man -- the hero -- began coughing and shouting what were undoubtedly expletives in his native tongue. I cast a translation spell so we could understand each other.

"Hello?" I called again.

"What the ever-livin' shit is this?" He shouted. "Where th' FUCK am I?"

"Ah, hello great hero!" I said while casting a wind spell to send the smoke away. I then snapped my fingers to light all the candles. "You have been summoned here to aid us in our quest!"

"What the FUCK?" he said again, "Is this some kinda magic show?"

"Show? No..." Did magic not exist in his universe? Was the circle wrong after all? "Sir, are you from Japan?"

"Weeabo land? Nah, I stay as far away from that shit as I can. I hear it turns ya gay."

I checked the parameters of my translation spell to make sure it was working correctly. Even after translation, I was not sure what he was saying. "Pray tell... Where are you from then?"

"Ah, 'round Montgomery."

"Is that a name of a city or town?"

"Yeah, Montgomery, Alabama. What are you, dumb? You know... Civil rights an' shit." He then spit out some sort of black goo from his mouth before muttering, "Biggest fucking mistake our country ever made."

I took a deep breath. This man was getting on my last nerve. He was arrogant and fool-hearted, but maybe those were the traits of a good hero? "Alabama. I see. It sounds like a fine country!"

"Where are you from, Europe? Who the fuck doesn't know Alabama? You know, 'Sweet Home Alabama'? In the US of A? I am from America, dipshit."

"Right. No. Ok. America, then." I still couldn't follow his speech patterns, but I felt I should continue nonetheless. "You have been summoned here to help us fight back against the enemy army. The road will be difficult, but will be paved with glory..."

"Woah now, bud." He took off his cap and slicked his hair to his scalp before putting it back on, "What kinda nonsense is this?"

"Sir, if you would just let me explain..."

"I think I get the gist. You are a weak European nation that needs American help. Damn socialists. If you had used the money you spent on health care on defense, you wouldn't be in this situation."

"Now, wait. Hold on there." I took another breath while gritting my teeth, "It is not my citizen's fault that we are at war. I will not strip them of their basic human rights to fight battles they don't want to fight."

"Fucking libtard. Send me back. I ain't doin' this."

"Yeah, you are right about that." I snapped my fingers and incinerated him on the spot.

What a waste of time.

Moral of the story: Some people are not worth your time.

Prompt: Seeing the eficiency of adventurer parties, the Dark Lord decides to create one of his own.

results matching ""

    No results matching ""